Nine and half years ago while we were travelling in New Zealand, John almost died by way of perforated colon. When we got home after a month in the hospital on the South Island, the company I worked for told me I didn’t have a job to come back to.
And then in what felt like the same breath – I found out I was pregnant and had cancer. They told me I would miscarry from the surgery that would remove part of my cervix.
So we did the only thing we could think to do. We decided to get married. We knew we loved each other and we didn’t care about much else. We wanted to hang on for dear life for as long as we could.
Well that baby defied the odds and stayed inside me for seven months and today she’s nine years old. She was growing inside me at our wedding and I was round and swollen but the cancer was gone and I didn’t give a shit that I was heavier than I’d ever been.
Marriage hasn’t exactly been easy. And I haven’t always been perfect. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve been untruthful and mean sometimes.
There was a time we didn’t know if we’d make it. But he stayed. And I did a shit ton of work to figure out what I wanted and how I could be that. And then I stayed. And we’re still here, working at giving each love that expands. Love that nurtures and respects and allows the other person to be themselves and to grow from there.
That’s the only kind of love I ever want. I never want to be out of alignment with myself again. And I never want him to feel like he doesn’t have what he wants in life. Because this is it and we really don’t know about tomorrow.
Nine years, 364 days ago, it was the day before my wedding. I was five months pregnant with that baby and there was a beautiful brunch planned for the morning of the wedding. A dairy queen cake sat in the freezer because what pregnant woman doesn’t want dairy queen cake? I was beaming as I carried life and had a partner to share it with.
But even bigger that that?
I had me. I had my own life and that’s a feeling I hang onto every day. I know it’s a gift and it’s up to me to decide how I want to live.